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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23377843">Knowing Me, Knowing You (There is nothing we can do)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheepgirl3/pseuds/Sheepgirl3'>Sheepgirl3</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Steve Rogers, Break Up, Breaking Up &amp; Making Up, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Break Up, Recovery, Soldier Bucky Barnes, Suicidal Bucky, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, steve rogers is an idiot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 14:13:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,147</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23377843</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheepgirl3/pseuds/Sheepgirl3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Barnes, nineteen years old, comes home from his first tour in the Army to find that his boyfriend of two years that he was deeply in love with has moved out without a word.</p>
<p>Six years later, a grief stricken and traumatized Bucky sees Steve Rogers for the first time in six years. </p>
<p>They’re both still in love with each other, but what Steve did is unforgivable. But they can’t leave each other in the past.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov/Sam Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>87</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The title comes from the song “Knowing Me Knowing You” from Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’ll take a while, but our boys will be happy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky was nearly asleep on the Uber ride home. His luggage was on the seat beside him.</p>
<p>He wasn’t supposed to be home till next week. But the Army had released him from tour a little earlier than planned. He’d have a couple months home now. Steve and he could finally cuddle for a while, be proper boyfriends for a bit.</p>
<p>Steve was his boyfriend of two years, since their last year of high school. Over the last two years, Bucky had graduated from high school, gone to boot camp, and was sent of his first tour that lasted a year and a half. Now Bucky was nineteen and worn out, looking forward to falling into his Stevie’s arms and being told it’d be ok.</p>
<p>Bucky knew he was lucky to have Steve. Steve had always been a clever, dream driven man. That was what made him a fairly successful graphic designer. Over the last couple months, their phone calls and letters had been tired and stilted. Bucky knew it took a lot out of Steve, being an Army boyfriend. And he loved him even more for it.</p>
<p>The Uber pulled up to his apartment building, shaking Bucky out of his thoughts. He looked around with much older eyes than he had the last time he’d been there. It hadn’t changed much since he’d shipped out. That was refreshing actually.</p>
<p>Bucky tipped the driver and grabbed his stuff, entering his building and trotting up the stairs till he reached Apartment 5A. He pulled out his key and unlocked, opening the door and calling out,</p>
<p>“Steve?”</p>
<p>Silence. </p>
<p>“Stevie?”</p>
<p>Still nothing. That was strange. It was four in the afternoon. Steve was usually at home. Besides, Alpine and Dodger hadn’t come to greet him.</p>
<p>A cold hand gripped his insides as he moved through his dark, empty apartment. Something wasn’t right, and it took a moment for him to realize what it was.</p>
<p>Most of the stuff was gone. Anything that wasn’t explicitly his or furniture was gone. Alpine and Dodger weren’t there.</p>
<p>Bucky felt like he couldn’t breathe. He dropped his stuff and ran for the bedroom, throwing open the closet.</p>
<p>Steve’s clothes were gone. All his stuff was gone. The apartment had a cold, empty feel to it. How long had Steve been gone?</p>
<p>Bucky didn’t realize he was grabbing his phone till he was already dialing Steve’s number. He didn’t want to think about what was happening. He just wanted answers.</p>
<p>He got sent straight to voicemail every time. Hands shaking and breath coming short, he dialed Sam. Sam was Steve’s closest friend, and while they hadn’t gotten on all that great, Sam would probably know what was happening. Natasha, Sam’s girlfriend and Bucky’s best friend, would definitely tell him.</p>
<p>Sam answered with, “Barnes? Are you coming to pick up your cat yet? She’s eating us out of house and home.” In the background, Natasha called out, “James? Are you back already?”</p>
<p>Bucky couldn’t breathe. He was aware of the panic coursing through him, the way he was shaking so hard he couldn’t stand any longer. He collapsed to his knees.</p>
<p>Sam’s voice became concerned. “Barnes? What’s wrong, you don’t sound too good.”</p>
<p>Bucky gasped out, “S-Steve! Where is he, why isn’t he here? Why do you have Alpine, w-what t-he-“ Bucky couldn’t finish. </p>
<p>Sam was silent for a long moment. “Well...he moved out? Couple weeks ago, right after the breakup. He asked us to take care of Alpine, said you’d asked she be left with us.”</p>
<p>Bucky felt a sob move past his lips. He couldn’t stop any more sounds leaving his lips, feeling helpless to do anything apart from sob hopelessly. He couldn’t even make out what Sam was saying, though he knew the man was talking.</p>
<p>Bucky didn’t know how long had passed before he felt a pair of arms wrap around him, Natasha’s warm voice in his ear.</p>
<p>“Bucky baby, I need you to breathe, ok? Just take some deep breaths, it’s gonna be ok.”</p>
<p>Bucky followed her instructions till his vision cleared and he could look around him. Natasha was squatting near him, a worried look on her face. Sam was standing nearby, looking equally worried and holding Alpine.</p>
<p>Bucky sat back, still shaking. Natasha asked softly, “Bucky? What’s happening?”</p>
<p>Bucky gasped a deep breath and answered, “I-I came home early a-and Steve was gone. All his stuff. A-and Dodger and A-Alpine. Nat-“ his own sob cut him off.</p>
<p>Natasha had a solemn expression on her face. “Bucky...Steve told us you two had broken up amiably. We helped him move, we took in Alpine till you came back.”</p>
<p>Bucky felt tears streaming down his face with every word. His chest was tight. It was hurting more with every second.</p>
<p>Sam knelt nearby, his face looking solemn. “Bucky? Did you two break up?”</p>
<p>Bucky shook his head frantically. “N-no! I-I thought h-he’d be here! I-I came home early to s-surprise him!”</p>
<p>Natasha cursed under her breath and grabbed Alpine, placing the white cat in Bucky’s arms. He held the cat close, who seemed to understand that her owner was hurting, ignoring how tightly he was holding her in favor of headbutting his hand.</p>
<p>Sam was shaking his head slowly. “You mean Steve just left? You guys didn’t break up?”</p>
<p>Bucky shook his head frantically, then had to steady himself as a wave of dizziness took over him. Natasha took him into her arms, steadying and comforting him.</p>
<p>Sam cursed. “Fuck. How could Steve do this?” He took in the wreck of a soldier before him and stood, grabbing his phone and angrily smashing at it to dial a number. “There’s gotta be a explanation for this.”</p>
<p>It all became white noise to him.  Bucky could barely understand anything that was happening. Arms were holding him, but they weren’t Steve’s. People were there, but they weren’t Steve. Steve wasn’t going to be there anymore. He’d left Bucky. He hadn’t even given Bucky the dignity of a breakup.</p>
<p>                      **********</p>
<p>Natasha didn’t like anything that was happening. A barely stable Bucky in her arms, an angry Sam, and an elusive Steve that she really wanted to murder right about now.</p>
<p>Natasha thought she’d heard just about everything. Being a beat cop, she’d definitely seen a lot. But as a broken noise-a scream without words or meaning-tore from Bucky’s throat, she felt a shiver run down her back. </p>
<p>The scream held all Bucky’s heartbreak, his pain, his anger, and his fear. It held every emotion he was feeling right now, it held his loss. Natasha thought the weight of it would crush her.</p>
<p>She ached for Bucky’s pain and tried to shelter him in her arms. She looked at her boyfriend, who was staring wide eyed at Bucky. They stared at each other and silently agreed.</p>
<p>When Steve showed his face next. They would kill him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. There is nothing we can do</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steve’s POV.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve sat in his small, empty apartment, staring at his phone as it rang.</p>
<p>Bucky’s face and number popped up first, many times. That was unusual, normally the man would try twice if he couldn’t reach Steve then give up. The ringing stopped, leaving Steve in eerie silence.</p>
<p>Steve ached to grab his phone and call Bucky back, to hear his voice one more time. Every time, he chickened out. How could he pretend everything was normal when he’d just moved out, when Bucky didn’t even know they were done?</p>
<p>He’d been a coward. That was the only explanation Steve had for anything he’d done. He’d been scared of being abandoned, the more time that passed without Bucky. So he abandoned Bucky first.</p>
<p>It wasn’t Bucky’s fault. The man had tried, surprise calling and managing surprise gifts. He’d video call during the holidays, celebrating with Steve and their friends the best he could. But the war had taken a toll on him.</p>
<p>Steve could see it, the lines on Bucky’s face and the slight trembling of his hands after a bad day. How tired the soldier constantly was, content to just listen to Steve until he fell asleep. Bucky, the precious soul, hadn’t been made for war. His heart was too big, and his power to change things too little.</p>
<p>The more withdrawn Bucky had become, the more Steve had felt achingly alone. The fun loving, but shy boy from high school had all but disappeared, leaving behind a shell. The Bucky he knew and loved was still in there; he’d seen him pop up. But the man was protecting himself behind a wall.</p>
<p>Steve had tried to hang on. He still loved Bucky, and he knew Bucky still loved him. They’d made plans for when the soldier came home. Steve had almost been convinced that things could be ok again, that distance wouldn’t tear them apart.</p>
<p>Then Steve’s mom had gotten cancer, again. She’d been diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. Steve had called Bucky desperately, and the call had gone to voicemail.</p>
<p>Bucky had called him back an hour later, allowing Steve to pour out his worries and hurt. When Steve said that he’d been upset when Bucky hadn’t answered, the Army man answered simply that he’d been cleaning up the remains from a convoy explosion and that he was sorry.</p>
<p>Steve wasn’t sure what did it. He’d been irrationally angry at Bucky for not answering when some of the men and women from the division had just died from an IED. He was mad that it couldn’t just be about him, he supposed. They’d had a fight about it that wound up with both of them in tears. Steve had apologized desperately before they ended the call, suddenly afraid that he’d never get another chance. Bucky had returned the apology, but still had looked like he was holding back tears.</p>
<p>That made Steve feel ten times worse. He’d gotten upset at Bucky for being busy cleaning up what remained of his friends and comrades. What kind of person did that make him?</p>
<p>That had been a month ago. During the two weeks following that incident, all Steve could think about was the convoy and how that could’ve been Bucky killed. At the end of those two weeks, Steve gave into the fears haunting him and moved out of the apartment.</p>
<p>In his mind, Bucky couldn’t die or leave him if Steve left first. Did that make sense? No, but when did the brain ever make sense?</p>
<p>Steve willingly acknowledged even before he moved out that this was the wrong way of doing things, and that he was making a mistake to begin with. He knew he should at least talk to Bucky. They could probably work it out, talk it through and be ok. But Steve was just too tired to try.</p>
<p>Now, as he sat in his new apartment with only Dodger to keep him company, he wondered which was worse. Losing Bucky to save himself the pain of losing Bucky, or staying until whatever end just to get as much time as possible with the man. </p>
<p>It wasn’t that much of a question, really.</p>
<p>Steve supposed that they’d be ok. Bucky would move on, and so would he. Maybe they’d meet in about ten years, with husbands and kids, and get the closure they needed.</p>
<p>Maybe. But why did that thought make Steve want to cry and puke at the same time?</p>
<p>Sam’s contact appeared on his phone next, and Steve wondered absentmindedly how he could possibly ask his friends for forgiveness for lying. And for hurting Bucky, their friend also. He hadn’t had the guts to tell them the truth, making up a flimsy lie about a breakup.</p>
<p>Then it occurred to him. The calls from Bucky, now repeating calls from Sam. Bucky was home. Early.</p>
<p>Steve wasn’t sure if somewhere in his mind, he’d been hoping to move back in and pretend nothing happened before Bucky got back. To remedy what he had done before it really came to light.</p>
<p>Now it was too late. Steve’s heart felt like it was breaking all over again, yet he knew it could be nothing compared to what Bucky must be feeling across town.</p>
<p>He couldn’t even comfort himself with the lie that Bucky would be happy or relieved. Because he knew that wasn’t true, not at all. Bucky was one of the most faithful and loving people he knew, and Steve knew how much Bucky loved him.</p>
<p>Now, Bucky would never know how much Steve loved him too.</p>
<p>It was all a mess. An avoidable, unnecessary mess that Steve could only blame himself for. </p>
<p>Steve waited until the calls stopped and picked up his phone, calling the only person in the world he had left.</p>
<p>“Hi sweetheart, how are you?”</p>
<p>“I-“ Steve choked out a sob and laid back against the couch, Dodger coming over to worriedly check on him. “I screwed up, Ma.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey all, sorry for the long wait for an update! I’m planning on writing faster for this story, but I don’t have a set schedule.</p>
<p>I did my best with Steve’s story. The goal was never to excuse his leaving, but to explain it. I feel like that was mostly accomplished?</p>
<p>The next installment will take place 6 years in the future. The story will continually switch POV’s.</p>
<p>So, I’ve been doing a roleplay on Amino with this plot, and it kind of wound up with mpreg in it. I really like that, but I’m not sure if I should include that in the story. What do you think?</p>
<p>Kudos and comments make my day!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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